Editorial: Dictators' Today Office Hit With Bomb

by Shaky Parkinson

Apologies for our lack of reporting but last month the Dictators' Today Office was hit with a bomb.  A crazed maniac came at the building with a sharpened explosive device and proceeded to bash it against the front door.

Seconds later an explosion occurred that tragically injured ten work placement Media Students and Burney's afternoon cocktail.  The assailant was less lucky managing to escape with death from the self inflicted blast.

His motives remain unclear but it is believed he is a member of the Eamonn Holmes Appreciation Society and had nothing better to do.  Eamonn Holmes was willing to comment but no one was willing to listen.

The blast caused irreparable damage to the functioning of the newspaper and so the staff decided to take a much needed holiday to the Lake District hoping everything would be sorted upon their return.  This was not the case when we rocked up at HQ yesterday and so after purchasing a brush and a few bin liners the Media Students have set to work repairing the damage but it believed that we will be out of action for sometime.

"And?" says Gaddafi

by Shaky Parkinson

The ICC has today issued an arrest warrant for Muammar Gaddafi who was quick to responded with a resolute, "And?"

It seems absurd rumours of murder; torture and all round classic brutality on civilians are the reasons behind the warrant, with the ICC's presiding judge Sanji Monageng being very resolute on the facts.  He waffled that there are, "Reasonable grounds to believe," some such happenings are happening in the now and maybe the past and stuff and that he wanted his, "Blanky".

In response to Gaddafi's response, the ICC have called him, "A cheat who is not playing fair and is being a dick."

All the leader could muster was, "What are you going to do?  Throw some more bombs my way? Ooooohhhhh, I'm really scared."

This backchat sparked desperate talk from the prosecutors who are, "Telling their mum's on him."

Mr. Gaddafi was quick to prove that the recent victims had stolen his sweets and that any justice brought their way was, "Muchly deserved," and he followed this up with a, "So what?"

The talks rapidly descended into an unproductive state and were called off until after naptime.

"I Like Ducks" says Kim Jong Il

by Shaky Parkinson

Kim Jon Il has today stunned the world by breaking his vow of silence with an unexpected press conference.  The North Korean Leader sprang from his box earlier and was keen to offer up a Q and A to the quickly assembled press. Unfortunately this consisted of Penny Withers, a local pastry inspector from Reading who was on a naive work exchange program at the time.

Speaking from the press conference she was delighted to report that Kim Jon Il, "Like's Ducks".  No one is quite sure if Ms. Withers is playing an elaborate game of Chinese Whispers or if the Dictator has taken the time out from persecuting his subjects to demonstrate a lighter side to his nature.

Nature was indeed on the cards as Kim Jong Il pledged his countries remaining food budget to creating a 30,000 acre bird sanctuary.  Asked if this was an act of insanity Kimmy responded with a resolute, "I like ducks".

These constant affirmations given by the sexy tyrannical bugger before his swift departure in his magical space carriage clearly signify a change for the worse and a number of fellow rulers have been quick to damn him.  "We aren't supposed to like ducks," ranted former dictator Gordon Brown, "It just isn't part of the image."

Either way interest has already faded with the announcement that Paul Kagame is rapidly becoming addicted to jelly.

Dictatathon 2011 "Most Profitable One Yet"

by Shaky Parkinson

The tyrants were out in force last night for the thirteenth annual Dictatathon.  A grand time was reportedly had by all and the event went down like a well-planned missile attack.

The Dictatathon raised £340million USD for VICTIMS, (Victims of Internal Collapse Triggered by Insane Monetary Shock) a charity set up for deposed military leaders who have been unjustly dethroned by their people.  The fund was established in 1998 to help rehabilitate these unappreciated souls back into normal life by keeping them accustomed to the luxuries that only fear can bring.

Renowned cunt Sebastian Coe who was brought in to chair the Charity was joyful at the success, expressing that, "This is the most profitable one yet, I raised loads of sexy cash and casualties didn't break UN regulations. Win."

One stern faced benefactor and beneficiary stated, "We are here to help ourselves, no one else will.  We are forced to eek a living on the fringes of society and global law.  Without this fund many of us would only have three palaces and a handful of wives."

This touching comment was later drooled upon, "No one loves us.  Bastards.  No one cares about the number of overthrown rulers dying of monetary shock these days.  The figures have yet to be made up but they are staggering and sickening.  Speaking of which where's the bathroom."

Last nights festivities featured the usual skits and antics that were kicked off by the traditional firing squad execution and ended with the obligatory snog.  This years short straw lovers Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hu Jintao are said to have thoroughly enjoyed the experience but have no plans to copulate.

VICTIMS has currently raised over 7Billion USD for the aid of overthrown dictators in a bid to dampen the impact of returning to everyday existence.  Their mission statement of 'Phone by Fear' has been a success hit and is planned to be adopted by mainstream businesses.

Editorial: Welcome To Dictators' Today

by Cordon Bleu

Here at Dictator's Today we aim to present the Reader with an objective view of the globes leading political wonders and their glorious undertakings.  From news and features to Kosovo and Uzbekistan, we will be providing your humble eyes with all the happenings from the firing line.

Our dedicated team of seasoned professionals will cook you up a treat and take your senses on a whirlwind tour of exotic destruction.  With the taste of revolution spilling out across the globe our Journalists will serve up insightful explorations into the workings of a global power system, to bring you the stories that we think you need.

Dictators' Today is the best way explore the workings and operations of global conflict and change.  We aim to be the best that we can be so you don't have to be, because we are.  We'll have you sobbing along with popular opinion as we take you through an experience with each article we cook.

Information is the key and without it we are slugs.  Journalism may take a beating but news will never be silenced and it is this we wish to pleasure you with.  We delve deeper than any other news outlet to bring you the stories that will alter the way in which you live, breath and eat your porridge.  Freshly sourced mass murder and brutal torture are among the hard hitting flavours of truth that this paper wants you to see.


Your safe with Dictator's Today.